Coping with Grief
I have been meaning to start some sort of blog for over a decade, but I kept putting it off. On 2024-04-28, after greiving for about a week, I woke up early, not able to sleep, and I started writing. The simple fact that I got these thoughts out of my head and written down allowed me to move forward. I told myself this day, that I would finally pull the trigger, and then (yet again) I just… didn’t.
Fast forward nearly 15 months. I had the pleasure of attending The MacAdmins Conference at Penn State last week. It was a fantastic week, but I was reminded of Charles early and often. His absense was felt. On top of that, I felt like I had broken a promise to his memory.
Friends, grief comes at us in many different ways, and each of us will find a different way to manage it. I am hoping that by fulfilling my promise to Charles, I can live knowing that he would be proud of me, even if he didn’t know me. That’s one of the things that made him special.
I have included the entire blog post that I wrote last year but never published. It’s pretty raw, though I feel like I need to leave it unedited.
Hello, World
Friends, I’ve been sad for a week. If you’ve been living under a rock, the world lost Charles Edge last week. I’ve been touched by the outpouring of respect and admiration he received, yet I am still trying to process why I feel so much grief.
You see, I never really met Charles. Sure, we exchanged pleasantries once while we both searched The Penn Stater gift shop for a souvenier for our kids, but I’ve never had a random chat with him nor do I think he knew who I was. Though, as I process his passing, I am realizing that I would list him as a mentor.
My first introduction to Charles as a human being was from his Worst Practices talk at MacSysAdmin 2014 - which I still consider top-notch. However, where I really “got to know” Charles was from years of listening to the MacAdmins Podcast. I have always seen a lot of myself in Charles but he was always so much more that I ever could be - making him the source of a lot of my imposter syndrome. I’ve always been a fast learner, but Charless always made it seem effortless. More than that, he was able to communicate so much more effectively than I will ever be able to. To him, writing was second nature, whereas it takes me forever to put thoughts to paper.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt as isolated as I have this the week. I am blessed to work on an international team in a remote-first company, and I get to do that from my basement. It’s a luxury I never even dreamed possible just a few years ago. I live in a relatively rural area. I’m in the 3rd largest city in the state, outside a college town in WV with a population just over 30,000 as of 2020. (There isn’t an Apple store in my entire state. If I had known this fact at the beginning of my career, I might not have ventured into these waters.) Anyway, living here means there are no meetups to attend and no random “happenings” amongst friends. We are lucky to have the MacAdmins Community to help bridge divides, but it’s not quite the same as in-person peers. I attribute much of the successes in my career to that community, and I am creating this blog in the hopes of giving something back.
I have considered blogging for over a decade, but never pulled the trigger. I decided a few years ago to stop procrastinating and just do it, but I got paralized creating a name. I’m in that same boat as I write this, but I’m not going to let it stop me this time. If you’re reading this, then my plan worked - starting with the content forced me to create the blog.
Let’s just hope this isn’t my only post.
Charles, my friend, may you rest in peace knowing that your legacy will continue.
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